Why I (Probably) Won’t Be Doing The Deed in High School

The Deed. It. Yes it’s capitalized. No, I’m not prude and I feel perfectly fine saying the 3-letter word aloud but I feel that for the purpose of this post said word is unnecessary.   

I recently ready Judy Blume book, Forever…, and my wonderful ears also tuned into some unwanted information from a conversation two boys were having in the back of the math classroom. 

[BOOK SPOILERS]

Firstly I’ll talk about the book. Forever… was written in 1975 and so it’s what I’d call an old time book. Words like laid are used, as in “I laid twice before.” It’s not exactly the way we would use laid now. Anyhow, I’ve tried to read many old books but this is probably one of the only ones I’ve finished and enjoyed. The girl and boy fell in love and eventually had sex as seniors in high school and they believe they’re going to be together forever, hence the title. As the statistic goes with most high school relationships it doesn’t last. Whiles they were together she fell for someone else over their summer apart and he decided to tell her that he slept with everyone where ever he was in America. 

That turned me off. I highly doubt that he actually slept with anyone else and I know she didn’t. (Yes, I take book relationships seriously.) People that you love can hurt you so easily  and as a teenager, we can be very irrational. The book made me think about the fact that I could do the deed with someone and within moments the relationship could be over. The girl in the book never thought things would end and gladly gave her body over. After reading the book I felt like I would be taking less of a risk if I stayed away from doing anything with the boys whilst I’m in high school.

Moving on, what I heard in my math class….

“Dude, at the music festival me and Jen are gonna do it.”

“Really?”

“Ya man, it’s gonna be my first time. I’m a bit nervous.”

“You want me to give you some pointers.”

“Ya dog, that’d be awesome.”

“Ok, so it’s nasty. The girl…..”

I tuned out after that. I didn’t want my fragile and innocent ears to hear anymore crap. My second reason why I won’t be giving it up in high school is that boys are braggers and have little manners. Seriously if I was that girl and I heard that my boyfriend was telling his friends about what will be our “special” moment at a concert, I’d break up with him right there and then. Boys don’t have great understanding up what’s private and what’s best left untold. 

Everyone in high school talks and I don’t want my first or fifth time to be publicized throughout the school so my peers and teachers can know all my business. I’ve heard plenty of stories about other teenager’s sexcapades and I don’t want to be another one. 

P.S. ~ I also don’t think being in love is a reason to have sex.

I don’t doodle.

I don’t doodle….I scribble.

I look down at my notebook in class and there’s just so much I’d love to doodle but I can’t get anything out. Anything but the grey, scribbled overlapping lines on my notebook paper. I can’t seem to function proper thoughts.

My brain seems to be jammed. On overload or overdrize…one of those or maybe both I’m not sure. At this point I’m not sure of most things. 

I feel as if I can’t be sure of anything. Everything I wish I could have seems to be so close but there are always things in my way. I recently applied to a boarding school and was actually accepted.

Being accepted put me one step closer to my goals and away from my mom, and my classmates.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom but I feel as if any wrong move and I’ll be in trouble and have to endure a lecture that may never end. I can’t and won’t ask for much because my mom is already struggling to pay my private school fees and lots of other bills. But if I do ask for anything she tells me once again how we are struggling and how frustrated she is.The thing is, I’m already frustrated so her extra frustration isn’t doing me any good; if anything her added frustration is making me even more frustrated and on edge. 

My classmates were alright at first, but being 1 of 2 girls in a classroom of 9 kids in total isn’t that peachy. I am verbally bullied in class. I don’t really understand what it is about the boys in my class but they just don’t seem to be able to handle my personality. I’m honest, I’m weird, I’m sarcastic, and an avid user of dry humor. They just can’t handle ALL of this. I don’t even mean any harm. These boys frustrate me, they insult me by calling me fat, saying I’ve been hit by the ugly stick, I have a mustache, tell me that my gap tooth is ugly and my “big a$$” beauty mark should be removed. 

None of these things bother me. I know I don’t have a mustache. I know I’m not fat but I’m thicker than some girls. I know I’m not ugly, and I know that my gap tooth and my beauty mark are things that make me who I am. What frustrates me is that they won’t give up, it’s irritating when people think they’re hurting you and they’re not and no matter how much you try to explain that to them they laugh at you. 

Boys are stupid. I want to get away from these boys. Without money I shall never get away from these boys. I’m stuck. Therefore my “stuckness” has caused my lack of doodling. I can’t doodle with a stuck brain. Such things are impossible to do and I won’t attempt to do the impossible on this day.

I do apologize for what is probably a bunch of giberish that doesn’t make sense to most of you. I just needed to get that out.

You Know All Those Things You Always Wanted to Do?

Everyone should have a Freaky Friday, and if you don’t agree with me, that’s just too bad. I pride my life on not giving two quacks about the other sheep. Yes, I do know that was quite random and I don’t care. So at this very moment I want to have a Freaky Friday, but just because I don’t care what that other sheep think doesn’t mean I don’t care about the consequence of whatever I do, I’m no sheep. 

I’m having a typical teenage crisis….whether or not to tell him that I do indeed like him. It’s all about the ‘what if’. I told this guy once last year I liked him and he told me he didn’t like anyone, this calls for a -_-.  Imagine I put myself out there only to be burned. It wasn’t so bad last year because he wasn’t in my class and my class had more people then. My whole grade now only has 19 students, and he’s in my class.

I’ve already talked to everyone else about him, and by everyone else I mean maybe 4 people and only little snippets and I didn’t like their opinions or lack of, so I’ll tell you guys. He’s taller than me (a +), nice hair (a +), cute smile (a +), when he says my name just like a little one word sentence… Samora. 😉 (a ++), how he looks at me, he’s shy, he knows what he wants to be when he’s older, helpful, mature, funny. I don’t want to give out his whole identity so I’ll stop there. I think those are some pretty good qualities. 

I’d like to think that I can sense when someone likes me. In class we would be laughing and then would stop and get back to work and he would just look up suddenly and say we’re gonna go out with the most serious face. In History, we have to write our first and last names on our papers and he took mine and crossed out my last name and wrote his. In classes we sit close with him holding my leg on his lap. He hears everything I say. I like taking this ring he has on his finger and wearing it and he’d say if you wear that ring that means we’re married. Another time, he said again we’re going to be together don’t study blah, this guy who also says I’m his wife who is also his best friend. 

Maybe the fact that I sent him a text about something an hour ago and he hasn’t replied is a sign that I shouldn’t tell him I like him. If I did, it would’ve been something on the lines of “I liked you but then when your best friend said you liked blah I stopped.” So as I was writing he answered me back, I have a feeling it was the cellphone company because I was on the message and just scrolling and it came in. WORST SIGN EVER. I don’t know what to do. It would be so awkward if I told him and he said he still doesn’t like anyone because we sit together in every class. 

I have an idea, I’ll message him saying I need help with guy problems and I’ll tell him the problem or like the ‘main idea’ of the problem and see what he says. 

Thank you guys so much for letting me ramble. Feel free to comment your feelings or problems in the comments section. Let’s hope this works out in my favor and hopefully his as well, I’ll keep you posted.

Lots of Love,

~ Samora xx

Mixed Up Feelings

Hello Everyone, I hope you’re all doing well. I’m not doing that great but knowing that there are so many beautiful people out there I just wanted to say hi.

I think all girls have those times where they’re just sad and they need someone to talk to. At this moment I’m listening to Snow Patrol – Chasing Cars. I don’t know how but sad music calms me and I feel at peace. I guess knowing that whoever is singing probably was feeling similar to me at some point.

People like knowing they’re not alone. They want to be the odds ones out but not for everything. We all want to feel loved, right? Well I do.

The guy I like, likes someone else apparently. I don’t know for sure but his friends are telling her, and I’m just thinking, ‘Wow, okay then. I’ll just um…never mind no one is listening.’ I actually thought he liked me, but I don’t think anyone ever knows what going on in anyone else’s head. I don’t even know what going on in my head.

I’m not Forever Alone though guys, haha. I’m just picky and I don’t even like when guys like me sometimes, makes me feel weird.

My thoughts are just all over the place and I do appologize. It’s actually how I always am, very random. I start all my homework at the same time, start and move on, then move on again then go back. I just always have a lot on my mind. Therefor I’m confusing. So a basic conclusion I think of everything I’ve said is, I feel like no one I want to like me likes me, boys, a little touch down on sad songs, and humans in general.

I think maybe instead of studying to be an OB/GYN and Pediatrician all be a psychologist  Who knows? Looking forward to the future.

One day I’ll post all the songs I like to listen to when I’m sad.

~Samora xx

P.S. – If no one has told you today, I think you’re beautiful, lovely, wonderful, amazing, handsome and perfect the way you are. Love you all loads.