I don’t doodle.

I don’t doodle….I scribble.

I look down at my notebook in class and there’s just so much I’d love to doodle but I can’t get anything out. Anything but the grey, scribbled overlapping lines on my notebook paper. I can’t seem to function proper thoughts.

My brain seems to be jammed. On overload or overdrize…one of those or maybe both I’m not sure. At this point I’m not sure of most things. 

I feel as if I can’t be sure of anything. Everything I wish I could have seems to be so close but there are always things in my way. I recently applied to a boarding school and was actually accepted.

Being accepted put me one step closer to my goals and away from my mom, and my classmates.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom but I feel as if any wrong move and I’ll be in trouble and have to endure a lecture that may never end. I can’t and won’t ask for much because my mom is already struggling to pay my private school fees and lots of other bills. But if I do ask for anything she tells me once again how we are struggling and how frustrated she is.The thing is, I’m already frustrated so her extra frustration isn’t doing me any good; if anything her added frustration is making me even more frustrated and on edge. 

My classmates were alright at first, but being 1 of 2 girls in a classroom of 9 kids in total isn’t that peachy. I am verbally bullied in class. I don’t really understand what it is about the boys in my class but they just don’t seem to be able to handle my personality. I’m honest, I’m weird, I’m sarcastic, and an avid user of dry humor. They just can’t handle ALL of this. I don’t even mean any harm. These boys frustrate me, they insult me by calling me fat, saying I’ve been hit by the ugly stick, I have a mustache, tell me that my gap tooth is ugly and my “big a$$” beauty mark should be removed. 

None of these things bother me. I know I don’t have a mustache. I know I’m not fat but I’m thicker than some girls. I know I’m not ugly, and I know that my gap tooth and my beauty mark are things that make me who I am. What frustrates me is that they won’t give up, it’s irritating when people think they’re hurting you and they’re not and no matter how much you try to explain that to them they laugh at you. 

Boys are stupid. I want to get away from these boys. Without money I shall never get away from these boys. I’m stuck. Therefore my “stuckness” has caused my lack of doodling. I can’t doodle with a stuck brain. Such things are impossible to do and I won’t attempt to do the impossible on this day.

I do apologize for what is probably a bunch of giberish that doesn’t make sense to most of you. I just needed to get that out.