What Do You Think About Before Going To Sleep At Night?

I was scrolling down my tumblr dashboard when I came across this question. And it made me really think about what goes through my mind before I fall asleep.

Firstly, you guys should know I don’t fall asleep easily and before I started seeing a therapist I had regular nightmares. Before I went to bed each night it became a habit for me to think about what I want to dream about, I also do that when I wake up from a nightmare.

I realized that before I go to sleep at night I think about things that are my ‘fairytale’ probably will only happen if I have a fairy godmother hanging around somewhere. I think about being happy before going to sleep. Happiness is a feeling I don’t think people give enough credit to because if someone is happy then they’re set for life. I truly believe happiness is key to everyone’s problems.

My happiness would include my brother doing well in school. My dad’s business finally working for him instead of sucking away his happiness. My bio dad calling me more. My mom finding someone to spend the rest of her life with, where she wouldn’t have to struggle and stress financially me. And me, my happiness would also be if I could just love myself.

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High School

How I wonder

If he thinks about me

Girl, he’s always on my mind

He doesn’t act like he likes me. 

 

Sometimes I think I’m not good enough for him

Can’t help but want him to notice me

Help me figure out what to do

Or maybe I should give him time

Or maybe I should forget about him

Love sucks.

 

This was written by me today. Feeling about down about the guy I’ve been crushing on. It sucks when you can’t stop thinking about someone who doesn’t think about you.

 

Why I (Probably) Won’t Be Doing The Deed in High School

The Deed. It. Yes it’s capitalized. No, I’m not prude and I feel perfectly fine saying the 3-letter word aloud but I feel that for the purpose of this post said word is unnecessary.   

I recently ready Judy Blume book, Forever…, and my wonderful ears also tuned into some unwanted information from a conversation two boys were having in the back of the math classroom. 

[BOOK SPOILERS]

Firstly I’ll talk about the book. Forever… was written in 1975 and so it’s what I’d call an old time book. Words like laid are used, as in “I laid twice before.” It’s not exactly the way we would use laid now. Anyhow, I’ve tried to read many old books but this is probably one of the only ones I’ve finished and enjoyed. The girl and boy fell in love and eventually had sex as seniors in high school and they believe they’re going to be together forever, hence the title. As the statistic goes with most high school relationships it doesn’t last. Whiles they were together she fell for someone else over their summer apart and he decided to tell her that he slept with everyone where ever he was in America. 

That turned me off. I highly doubt that he actually slept with anyone else and I know she didn’t. (Yes, I take book relationships seriously.) People that you love can hurt you so easily  and as a teenager, we can be very irrational. The book made me think about the fact that I could do the deed with someone and within moments the relationship could be over. The girl in the book never thought things would end and gladly gave her body over. After reading the book I felt like I would be taking less of a risk if I stayed away from doing anything with the boys whilst I’m in high school.

Moving on, what I heard in my math class….

“Dude, at the music festival me and Jen are gonna do it.”

“Really?”

“Ya man, it’s gonna be my first time. I’m a bit nervous.”

“You want me to give you some pointers.”

“Ya dog, that’d be awesome.”

“Ok, so it’s nasty. The girl…..”

I tuned out after that. I didn’t want my fragile and innocent ears to hear anymore crap. My second reason why I won’t be giving it up in high school is that boys are braggers and have little manners. Seriously if I was that girl and I heard that my boyfriend was telling his friends about what will be our “special” moment at a concert, I’d break up with him right there and then. Boys don’t have great understanding up what’s private and what’s best left untold. 

Everyone in high school talks and I don’t want my first or fifth time to be publicized throughout the school so my peers and teachers can know all my business. I’ve heard plenty of stories about other teenager’s sexcapades and I don’t want to be another one. 

P.S. ~ I also don’t think being in love is a reason to have sex.

It’s finally Spring Break!

Hola everyone!

I’m feeling extra chipper today. Why you ask? Well firstly if the title didn’t clue you in, it’s spring break and any amount of time away from school, no matter how much I love school, is a good time. The second reason is that my birthday is in 6 days, on March 30th I will be another year older. I’ve always loved my birthday and I really hope that as I get older I still love it.

My mom likes to have Birthday Weeks which basically means the Birthday Girl/Boy gets special treatment for the week that their birthday falls on. To start off the week my mom got me this beautiful journal in my favourite colour, teal, and I love it. It’s small and fits in my handbag plus it has this almost magical feel to it as if whatever I write in it will be sacred.

My journal is a negative thought free zone; I only want positive thoughts, dreams, and quotes in it.

My journal has also motivated me to start writing a novel, I’ve always written short stories in class and it’s always been a dream of mine to write a proper book. My goal isn’t that it gets published it’s mainly for me. 

Life. Where’s my lemons?

What is life? We all seem to have our own definitions of it, this four letter word but do we really know? According to Google, that know it all guide that sometimes doesn’t have the answers, life is living things and their activity. 

I don’t know about everyone else but I’m in such a state of confusion that that little definition isn’t giving me what I really want. The problem is that life is a challenge to define even by philosophers and scientists. I don’t think people can define life because it is different for everyone. There can’t be a set definition.

Since I think that, what does life mean to me? Life is waking up in the morning and breathing; seeing, hearing and thinking things; smiling, laughing and crying; being around people who love and hate me; believing in something; doing any and everything; wishing and hoping. Take a moment out of your life and ask yourself, what does life mean to you. I could go on and on about what it means to me and that’s the thing about life. The word life encompasses so many things to so many different and unique people. Life is filled with labels and therefor it can’t be labeled.

Life just is.

In life there will be complications and problems but also moments you wish you could relive and that you cherish. We have to realize that we only have this one life and at times it will feel like you just happened to get that defect life. Remember we can’t sit around waiting for lemons to be thrown at us because chances are that will never happen. In the end we all just need to try our best and never stop restarting. 

I love finding things to do.

So you know I didn’t come up with this. I got this off of another tumblr and I do not take credit for it

Bold what’s true about you.

 

I am under 18.
I am a cuddler.
I am a morning person. (more like late morning)
I am an only child.
I am currently in my “pajamas”.
I am currently pregnant.
I am left handed.
l am right handed.
I am ambidextrous.(just with writing though I’m workin on it lol)
I am a little shy around the opposite sex.
I bite my nails.
I can be paranoid at times.
I enjoy folk music.
I enjoy smoothies.
I enjoy talking on the phone. 
I have a car.
I have/had a hard time paying attention at school.
I have a hidden talent.
I have a pet.
I have a tendency to fall for the “wrong” guy/girl.
I have all my grandparents.
I have been to another country.
I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor.
I have or had broken a bone.
I have caller I.D. on my phone.
I have bathed someone. 
I have changed a diaper.
I have changed a lot over the past year.
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
I have had major/minor surgery.
I have killed another person.
I have had my hair cut within the last week.
I have mood swings.
I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
I have rejected someone before.
I like the taste of blood. (sometimes, it’s weird I know)
I love Michael Jackson.
I love sleeping.
I love to shop.
I own 100 CDs or more.
I own and use a library card. 
I read books for pleasure in my spare time. 
I sleep a lot during the day.
I watch soap operas on a regular basis.
I work at a job that I enjoy.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
I am wearing socks.
I am tired.
I love to paint/draw/sketch/sculpt.
I consume at least one alcoholic drink every month.

 

I have/had:
Finished college.
Smoked cigarettes.
Ridden every ride at an amusement park.
Collected something really stupid.
Gone to a concert.
Helped someone.
Spun turn tables.
Watched four movies in one night.
Been broken up with.
Taken a college level course.
Been in a car accident.
Been in a tornado.
Watched someone die.
Been to a funeral.
Burned yourself. (specification: not on purpose)
Ran a marathon.
Your parents got divorced.
Cried yourself to sleep.
Spent over $200 in one day. (I needed new clothes)
Cheated on someone.
Been cheated on.
Written a 10 page letter.
Had a best friend.
Lost someone you loved.
Skipped school. – stayed home because I really didn’t want to go
Gotten in trouble for something you didn’t do.
Stolen books from the library.
Been in a mental hospital.
Fired a gun.
Been in a school play.
Been fired from a job.
Taken a lie detector test.
Swam with dolphins.
Written poetry.
Read more than 20 books a year. (more than 60 ^_^)
Gone to Europe.

Loved someone you couldn’t have.

Used a coloring book over age 12.
Had surgery.
Had stitches.
Taken a taxi.
Had more than 5 online conversations going at once.
Had a hamster.
Dyed your hair.
Had something pierced.
Gotten straight A’s.
Been handcuffed.

 

My hair is naturally the colour:

Mousy Brown
Light brown
Medium brown
Dark brown – golden in the sun
Blonde
Black
Dirty blond
Strawberry blond
Multicoloured
Red

 

My eyes are:
Brown
Dark Brown
Blue
Green
Hazel
Lol they change all the time
Blue/green
Gray

 

People sometimes label me as:
Slut
Boyish
Colorful
Ugly
Nerd
Sweet
Stuck up – because I don’t care what they think of me.
Other

 

Some of my biggest fears are:
Spiders/other insects
Slimy things (Jellyfish!!!)
Dying
Doctor/Dentist appointments
Hospitals
Needles
Disease
Being alone in the dark
Heights
Small spaces
Oceans/large bodies of water
Large animals
Small animals 
Open spaces
Lightning
Failure
Thunder
Tornadoes
Clustered holes
Bodily fluids
Corpses

 

I have:
A friend with benefits
A laptop in my room
A television in my room
Good grades
My own car
Parents who are still married
A dog
A cat
A game console

 

I don’t doodle.

I don’t doodle….I scribble.

I look down at my notebook in class and there’s just so much I’d love to doodle but I can’t get anything out. Anything but the grey, scribbled overlapping lines on my notebook paper. I can’t seem to function proper thoughts.

My brain seems to be jammed. On overload or overdrize…one of those or maybe both I’m not sure. At this point I’m not sure of most things. 

I feel as if I can’t be sure of anything. Everything I wish I could have seems to be so close but there are always things in my way. I recently applied to a boarding school and was actually accepted.

Being accepted put me one step closer to my goals and away from my mom, and my classmates.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom but I feel as if any wrong move and I’ll be in trouble and have to endure a lecture that may never end. I can’t and won’t ask for much because my mom is already struggling to pay my private school fees and lots of other bills. But if I do ask for anything she tells me once again how we are struggling and how frustrated she is.The thing is, I’m already frustrated so her extra frustration isn’t doing me any good; if anything her added frustration is making me even more frustrated and on edge. 

My classmates were alright at first, but being 1 of 2 girls in a classroom of 9 kids in total isn’t that peachy. I am verbally bullied in class. I don’t really understand what it is about the boys in my class but they just don’t seem to be able to handle my personality. I’m honest, I’m weird, I’m sarcastic, and an avid user of dry humor. They just can’t handle ALL of this. I don’t even mean any harm. These boys frustrate me, they insult me by calling me fat, saying I’ve been hit by the ugly stick, I have a mustache, tell me that my gap tooth is ugly and my “big a$$” beauty mark should be removed. 

None of these things bother me. I know I don’t have a mustache. I know I’m not fat but I’m thicker than some girls. I know I’m not ugly, and I know that my gap tooth and my beauty mark are things that make me who I am. What frustrates me is that they won’t give up, it’s irritating when people think they’re hurting you and they’re not and no matter how much you try to explain that to them they laugh at you. 

Boys are stupid. I want to get away from these boys. Without money I shall never get away from these boys. I’m stuck. Therefore my “stuckness” has caused my lack of doodling. I can’t doodle with a stuck brain. Such things are impossible to do and I won’t attempt to do the impossible on this day.

I do apologize for what is probably a bunch of giberish that doesn’t make sense to most of you. I just needed to get that out.